Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Things I Learned Hanging Out With My Sisters

I believe it is our friend Josh who has a theory that you cannot have an extended conversation with a group of Americans before poop is brought up. I am not sure if this holds true for the rest of America, but it is a proven fact with my family. During Christmas Cale suggested we needed some sort of poo counter to keep track of all the times it was a topic of conversation at my house.

A week or two ago I was out with my sisters. The conversation started out innocently enough but started to veer into the strange when my sisters tried to explain to me this device they had been each gifted by my mom. Apparently, it is some sort of teapot that you use to force hot salt water into one nostril and out the other.

Image courtesy of
The Modern Materialist

Apparently one of my sisters has had trouble with said device and usually ends up dripping the snotty salt water out her mouth rather than her other nostril. Either way both of them rave about its ability to clear all the crud out of your sinuses. Personally, I don't find my sinuses cruddy enough to warrant something as strange as this. I will continue to simply blow my nose.

I took a quick bathroom break and returned to announce that I had still not found a restroom in America where I was not willing to sit down to pee. I have even peed in a gas station bathroom by now and nothing is as intimidating as some of the toilets I was confronted with in Samoa. Obviously, this conversation starter was going to veer into the world of fecal matter and it didn't take long.

Personally, I don't like to poo in public restrooms; however, sometimes it is absolutely necessary. When it is required, I will usually flush the toilet simultaneously with the pooping to mask any noises. That way no one else knows what is going on. Both my sister and I will also time our poo to coincide with another person's flushing. Another excellent way to mask the sounds. To some, these may seem like extreme measures to hide the existence of a perfectly natural bodily function in the room that was specifically constructed for it to occur in. However, these are nothing compared to the "poop hammock."

That's right, one of my sisters is so concerned about letting tell-tale sounds give away her public pooping that she created what she has dubbed the "poop hammock." She uses a long sheet of toilet paper to cradle the falling poo before it can even reach the bowl and reveal itself by splashing. She then silently lowers the offending item into the water. Anyone eavesdropping on my sister's bathroom activities would believe that she never poops in public restrooms. Though why anyone would be eavesdropping on my sister in a public restroom, I cannot tell you.

— Sara

PS. Mom is going to be totally mortified by this post and I am sure to hear about it when she gets home tonight. "Sara! I raised you to be more lady-like and not talk about poop on your blog."


Teresa said...

HAHA The Poop Hammock is pure genius!

Barb Carusillo said...

Sara....all those years, I tried to teach you all to say " Please excuse me" or " I need to go to the restroom" or even " I need to powder my nose"...any of those polite euphemisms for the bodily function category. But no-o-o, you all had to say "I gotta go pee!"
I can now see my attempts of gentrification of my daughters was all for naught. Your guys conversation would probably embarrass inebriated construction workers at a stag party.

Brooke said...

Haha, I *just* emailed my parents to recommend they do this (the neti not the poop hammock) because they are both feeling a cold coming on. I love the neti pot! It's changed my life. Seriously.

annette said...

I am still laughing out loud as I am typing this. I just can't stand it ----you and your sisters are just pure entertainment - what a HOOT!!!

poop hammock - hahahahaha

( may try it )