Thursday, April 7, 2011

The Kids These Days

It starts when you are jean shopping. There you are in the store surrounded by jeans and you find yourself thinking, "Where have all the [insert style of jean popular when you were 19 here] gone?" That's it. You've just become old.

It happened to me in Auckland. We were fresh off a plane from a year in 90+ degree weather and we found New Zealand just barely on the cusp of spring. It was in the 50s and 60s. I was going to need a pair of pants. So there I was, in the Auckland equivalent of a Plato's Closet, surrounded by skinny jeans and I found myself thinking, "Where have all the boot cut jeans gone?"

Thirty-year-old women in the 1980s turned circles in the middle of Sears looking for the bell-bottoms. In the 1990s, they wondered where all the acid-washed had gone. In the 2000s, they searched high and low for the ones that laced up in strange places. There I was, just shy of 2010 wondering where the boot cuts had gone.

From there it is all down hill. You find yourselves looking at the kids these days and wondering what they could possibly have been thinking when they got dressed that morning. This winter it was the leggings. I want to state for the record: LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS! In order for you to be wearing leggings properly, you need to be able to remove them (in public) and still be dressed. Leggings go under dresses and skirts and even sweaters and t-shirts that are so long, they are in fact dresses. However, leggings, alone, are not pants. End of story. Cale suggested a web site, www.haveyouseenyourass.com, where we could post pictures of all the cottage cheese thighs and dumpy asses that were parading around on campus encased in a think layer of cotton. Some words of wisdom for two girls in particular I saw this winter: 1. If when you sit down or bend your knees your leggings become see-through, they are not leggings, they are tights and that is even worse. 2. Textured tights are not leggings and are therefore even less pants.

Unfortunately, winter is the safe season when the fashions of the youth are hidden under those silly winter coats that look like your wearing a sleeping bag. The bad season is yet to come. With just hints, whiffs even, of spring in the air the children have shed their winter coats like molting butterflies. Please, for all of our sakes, but some clothes back on, its not that warm yet. More than a month ago I pointed out a girl walking in front of us to Cale. She was wearing booty shorts, but knowing it was only 40 degrees outside she had paired her booty shorts with tights. Slight problem. You know how tights have an area of darker material in a sort of rectangle shape in the crotch and thigh area (not control tops mind you...i am coming to that story)? The shorts were so short you could see this rectangle of darker material poking out several inches on the inside of each of her thighs as she walked. Classy.

Speaking of control tops. I almost stopped a girl a couple of weeks ago. She had decided that a Monday morning class was a perfect time to wear a skirt made entirely out of layers of see-through black lace. Layers that only minimally covered her ass. Once again, in deference to the fact that THERE WAS STILL SNOW ON THE GROUND she had paired her skirt with a pair of tights. These tights were control tops. I know because I could see the control top below the bottom of her skirt. "Honey," I imagined myself saying to her in a comforting, motherly tone, "do you have access to a full-length mirror?"

Of course, I probably shouldn't be mocking people for clothing decisions they made in their youth.























— Sara